True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
