Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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