She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
