my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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