I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
