Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
