I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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