I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
