Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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