you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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