mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
