Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
