Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
