you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
