Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
this beer tastes like vomit already
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My pussy is not your playground.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
