Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
