I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
