I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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