Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
