I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
