Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
