Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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