I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I love having hate sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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