I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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