i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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