using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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