Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just gargled with NyQuil
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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