I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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