You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
