it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
