Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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