he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
