Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
