I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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