hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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