Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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