The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
