Princesses don't give blow jobs
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
