I just threw up on my dentist
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
