I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
