First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
