looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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