My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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