The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
