Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
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Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
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I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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