Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
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