Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
