I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
