I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
