I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
