This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
