I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think my vagina is haunted
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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