I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
