Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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