Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
someone owes me an orgasm
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
