Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
