So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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